The Problem With Fan Girls
by Aisling-Siobhan
Summary: [1 to 4]AU of the “fleeingtheDE’sScene” during HP: GoF. HD slash. The boys have a moment that gets unexpectedly interrupted. Written for Avihenda, in thanks for my awesome “The Problem with Fan Girls…” comic! SemiCrack!Fic, cause I’m not good at funny. Ha
1. Irish Pride

"The Problem with Fan Girls…"

**Comic:** http // img . photobucket . com / albums / v475 / k155me / FanGirlsAvihenda . jpg remove the spaces first

**Disclaimer: **J.K's all of them, damn her… But I own myself and Avihenda… I do own her you know! Don't let her tell you she's a 'free-person', because she isn't… she's mine! Yea, mine! Although… I do own Comic!Draco and Comic!Lucius… some technicality or other Avihenda was talking about but I didn't understand. They'll do (for now)!

**Summery: **AU of the "fleeing-the-DE's-Scene" during **HP: GoF**. H/D slash. The boys have a moment that gets unexpectedly interrupted. Written for Avihenda, in thanks for my awesome "The Problem with Fan Girls…" comic! Semi-Crack!Fic, cause I'm not good at funny. Harry POV

**Rating: **R/NC-17 SLASH!

**A/N: **Some spoilers for **Goblet of Fire**, mostly movie though. A BIT OF A LAUGH!

**Total Word Count:** /B 5,558 words.

_XXX_

**Words : **554

**Chapter 1**

**Irish Pride**

It started off as such a good day; sure the portkey sucked, and I made a prat of myself in front of Cedric, and Lucius Malfoy practically molested me with that pimp cane of his, but it did start as a good day. After all, here I am at the Quiditch World Cup, with my friends and surrogate family, and Ireland won.

Fred and George won Galleons from a bet they made with Ludo Bagman, Krum caught the snitch for Bulgaria, but Ireland won by points. Malfoy seemed disappointed, I guess he supported Bulgaria. Probably because Krum is hot; after all, Malfoy can't possibly be _straight_! Not with a body like his… It would be a shame to have it wasted on girls-

Wait! Back up! Did I think that? No, course not! It's just the excitement of the match getting to me. What I really thought was, that Malfoy Jr. couldn't possibly be straight because he is _such_ a prissy nancy boy. I mean, he has **manicured nails**, for Circe sake! And that hair! I heard from Blaise Zabini, yes a Slytherin, but since he's not one of Nancy Malfoy's posse that makes him alright in my book.

As I was saying, I heard from Zabini that Malfoy actually wakes up at 5.30am _every_ morning just to do his hair! Honestly, if**_ that_** isn't gay then I'm a flaming queen. Oh ok, bad analogy. Let's put it this way, if Malfoy isn't gay I'll bend over and let him fuck me in the arse!

"What did you say mate?" I looked over at Ron, who is looking a little pale.

"Nothing, why?" Ron's mouth dropped open and he slowly shook his head. Weird, that; if I didn't know better I swear I had spoken out loud.

As I was saying, it's not like I'd have to stick to it. If Malfoy isn't gay, then he's straight and would have no need to want his cock up my or another male's arse. And if he is gay, then I don't have to bend over anyway. Although… I wouldn't mind doing a little bending for Cedric… With those gray eyes and blond hair and…

Wait! Back up! Was I describing Cedric or Malfoy? Bugger, bloody nancy's all look alike! Oh Merlin, I sounded like Vernon! Kill me, Beat me, and rip the unholy tongue from my head! Remove thy foul thoughts from my mind. Eugh!

Oh, we're leaving. I would love to see the look on Malfoy's face if I told him I thought he was gay and I'd let him fuck me if he wasn't. It would have made my week.

"Mate, are you sure you didn't say anything?" Ron looked a little green this time.

"Yeah, hey Ron, you know when people hear things it's a sign of insanity." Ron nodded and walked after Hermione glancing back once or twice as I stood to follow. Too bad I didn't look behind me, or I would have seen the shocked look on both the Minister and Narcissa Malfoy, the normal blasé mask on Lucius Malfoy's face, and the arrogant smirk that just screamed mischief on Draco-_istotallygay_-Malfoy's.

As I said before, it started off as a good day, and then the Irish got their Pride on. Actually it wasn't really the Irish… more the Pureblood.

**XXX**

**A/N:** No offence intended towards Homosexuals, Bisexuals, or in fact Heterosexuals. I myself am Heterosexual and would die to shag Draco Malfoy or Tom Felton (unfortunately Draco Malfoy **_isn't_** real) and I have no chance with Tom! But no offence intended!


	2. Into The Woords

**Words : **918

**Chapter 2**

**Into The Woods**

"Fred, George, Ginny is your responsibility! Go! Go!" Arthur Weasley shouted at us. He looked terrified; maybe terrified is too mild a word? I should ask Hermione.

"Come _on_, Harry!" She shouts before I could get a word in, with a shrug I take off running after her and Ron. He seems to have gone back to his original color after the little bit of sleep we managed to get.

We stood around really, not knowing whether to go or stay, to be in shock or horrified. They dangled Muggles, adult and children alike, like spinning tops. Toys; to be played with until broken. Wow, these guys would get on great with Dudley.

Men in white skull masks and cloaks, pointed hoods, all black, were taking over. Wands pointed at anyone and everyone, curses flying here and there… everywhere but here actually.

"Hermione, get back here." I hear Ron, and look to Mione. She's half way out of the woods, even though we're close to the front she's still managed to put a bit of distance between us and her, and the clearing. "They'll see you."

"Listen to the Weasel Mudblood, wouldn't want them to get a look at your knickers would you?" Malfoy, appearing out of nowhere, looked down at her crotch and raised an eyebrow. "Cotton or lace, Granger?"

Hermione flushed and placed her hands protectively over Malfoy's area of choice. "Get lost!"

"I was only trying to help." He said with a shrug, feigning hurt. Ron sneered at him.

"What are you doing here Malfoy…? Daddy say you're too young to join him?" He nodded over to the cloaked men, and Draco's fists clenched.

With a sigh, I looked back at the Muggles, losing myself in thought about what it would have been like to be one of them. Would my parents be alive or would they really have died in a car crash? Would I have gone to boarding school or regular secondary school? If I had lived with the Dursley's would they let me go to any school? Maybe they would have loved me if I was a Muggle.

"Come on, mate, we're leaving." Uh huh, sure Ron

Would I still have met Ron and Hermione? What if they were Muggles too? What about Malfoy; would I know him? I can't say I like him, but I certainly can't see the 'safe' fun in Hogwarts without him.

"Harry, honestly, come _on_!" Coming Mione…

Maybe we would have been friends if he was a Muggle? No, 'Malfoy the Muggle' just doesn't have that ring to it, unlike 'Malfoy the Pureblood snob, son to the Man in a black Cloak'. I'm brought out of my musings by a cough, meant to startle me but not be loud.

"Hey, where did they go? What have you done Malfoy?"

"Me? Nothing. They called and you were _meant_ to follow them, but I wont tell anyone your secret." He smirked and I really wanted to kiss… I mean **punch** that look off his face.

"What secret?" I bite my cheek, maybe he did hear me, maybe I was speaking out loud... or maybe Blaise told him about our 'meeting' at the end of last year? I could live with that.

"That you'd rather spend time with me than your best friends, because you have a secret crush on me." He smirked again.

"**_WHAT_**?" I blink and shake my head, I heard him right, right? I put my finger in my ear and wiggle it about. "What?" I repeat.

"You heard me," his smirk has blossomed so it covers the entire bottom half of his face, ear to ear.

"Fuck off Malfoy, no one would believe you anyway." I hiss and turn to leave.

"Oh, Potter… I'm not gay." I freeze. Tell me he didn't say what I think he said. Tell me he didn't!

"But- b- bu- but- but you... and but- bu- t I and…" I stutter while he laughs, but I'm so shocked I can't bring myself to care. "BUT YOUR HAIR!" I finally get out, well scream out I should say.

His hands fly to his head and runs along the length of his silky silver-blond hair. "What's wrong with my hair Potter? There aren't leaves in it is there?" He looks so scared I can't help but pity him a little, even though he's Malfoy. _Heissototallygay_!

I glance at his hair then meet his eyes, my face takes on an incredulous expression. "Are you **serious**?" He has to be joking; there is no way he is straight.

"Well, no, I'm not straight," he smirks again, hair crisis averted. I guess I have a habit of talking out loud recently, "but then I'm not gay either… so I own your arse as of now Potter." He leers at me, his head titled to the side as he attempts to look around me to my backside.

"What? How the hell is that _possible_?"

"I'm bisexual, Potter."

"That's still gay! You like to fuck men!"

"Now, now, Potter, be politically correct." He smirks again, his tongue flicks out to moisten his pale pink lips, and I almost groan. Not happening, not happening, none of this is real. I'm asleep after a really **good day** at the Quiditch World Cup, and this is a nightmare that wasn't interrupted because there are no men in cloaks and masks.

"So Potter, if you just drop your pants and turn around, I'll try not to tear you." I think I fainted.

**XXX**

**A/N:** No offence intended towards Homosexuals, Bisexuals, or in fact Heterosexuals. I myself am Heterosexual and would die to shag Draco Malfoy or Tom Felton (unfortunately Draco Malfoy **_isn't_** real) and I have no chance with Tom! But no offence intended!


	3. Ben Dover

**Words : **2,514

**Chapter 3**

**Ben Dover**

"Potter!" Huh? Who the hell would be shouting at me? I don't even recognize the voice. Maybe I got hurt in the masked-men attack and it's one of the Ministry workers, or maybe that Muggle owner, he's probably free by now. "Potter!"

I jerk awake, my thoughts clear as emerald meet mercury. "Fuck!"

"Not yet, Potter, you have to be awake for that," he smirks; that's starting to get annoying now.

He has got to be joking! How the hell could I forget about bisexuality? What the hell was I thinking, speaking out loud without realizing? I am _so_ fucked! OMFG! Ron heard me… right, I can fix this. I'm half-Slytherin; I can talk my way out of this.

"You know, Malfoy…" He raised an eyebrow and waited, "… uh, you're hair, uh, looks real nice, you know." He raised both eyebrows at me. "Well, except for that twig… right there," I pointed over his left ear and shrugged, "must have hit a tree following me, huh?"

His hand shot up again, and I looked around nervously, where to run to? Where did the others go? Left? Everyone always exits stage left… right I'll go left.

"Potter, very funny, but don't even think of running." He raised his wand and I couldn't help but flinch, just a small bit. He swished his wrist and muttered a spell in Latin that I didn't recognize. Not listening to his advice I tore off to the left and ended up hitting an invisible wall. Lying flat on my back on the floor I groan. "Didn't know you could be so accommodating Potter, now if you would only remove the clothing."

I looked at him and sighed, letting my head thump back and bang off the ground. With a sudden surge of adrenaline, I half sat up and ripped my jumper off and flung it to my right. Bloody left side! Malfoy's mouth dropped open and I couldn't help but smile smugly to myself. Seems all the work I do at the Dursley's paid off around adolescence.

"Well then Malfoy?" I asked, quickly before I lose my nerve I unbuckled my belt and unzipped my trousers. "Planning to join me or what?"

Malfoy nodded, snapping out of his stupor and unbuttoned his silk shirt; what a snob. He unfastened his trousers as well and pushed the down over his hips and kicked them off, leaving himself in his socks and a pair of Calvin Klein boxers. He raised and eyebrow at me in a challenge, and with a glare I pushed down my own trousers, adding them and my shoes to the pile at my right.

I wonder where Malfoy's shoes went. I didn't see him take them off. Why am I thinking about his shoes? '_Cause it's better than thinking about his cock up your arse in a few minutes._' some crazy person whispered in his ear. Lalala, la, can't hear you!

"Well, who's it going to be Malfoy?" I teased, still shocked as to where this 'me' came from. I would never have done this before, I would have run for my life sure, or maybe hexed him and then run for my life. But no way would I be the first to undress, and willingly. Although Malfoy is rather hot, and Blaise also said he was a fabulous fuck, but what would Blaise know? He never shagged Malfoy.

Malfoy was the first; he pulled down his boxers, revealing a semi-hard pale cock surrounded by light blond hair that covered the tops of his thighs and his balls. He was above average, but not some-sort-of-surgery large, nice thick width and, hey, he's circumcised.

"Jewish?" I asked referring to his religion; he looked at me like I was crazy.

"Was that an insult Potter?" He hissed.

"Ah, so, you don't know about Muggle religions then?" I said nodding, still lying on the floor.

"No!" He bit out. "_We_ don't believe in a God, but many."

"Ah, sorry, no it wasn't an insult. Just, you know, you haven't got a foreskin."

He looked down at his penis and frowned, "and you have? But that's- that's so… unhygienic."

"Who told you that?" I said laughing.

"My medi-witch!" He turned away from me, with his nose in the air. I laughed.

"Believe me; I'm fully capable of cleaning my penis." He grinned at me and raised an eyebrow, before making a fist and jerking it back and forth. "Pervert!" He smirked again. I swallowed hard, and hooked my fingers in the waist band of my boxers and pulled them down. I added them to the pile without looking up; I was nothing special, just a freak orphan. Malfoy was gorgeous and here I was in comparison.

"Bloody hell, Potter, nobody told me you were this fuckable!" I looked over at him, my eyes wide, and mouth open. "You're beautiful." He whispered. I blinked, beautiful as in feminine? "You should get clothes that fit Potter, if you can afford it, and then people would shag you because they want to."

I was almost complimented, more than I ever dreamed to wring from Malfoy's smart mouth. "Are you saying you don't want to?"

"Wouldn't say that." He said softly, eyes fixed on my penis. I laughed when I noticed he was staring at the head of my cock.

"You wont catch anything Malfoy," I bit out, slightly offended. He didn't answer, but waved his wand at a fallen leaf and transfigured it into a thick blanket. He levitated it until it was flat and let it fall to the ground.

"Lie on that, Potter."

I did as he said; maybe he was capable of caring, about others I mean. "Harry." He just looked at me, "you're about to shove your cock up my arse, the least you could do is use my name."

"If you call me Draco?" I nodded and then he did. "So, normal lube or flavored?" I think I just died; I choked on whatever I was about to say and somehow forgot to breathe. In the end I just shrugged. "Normal then," he said as he waved his wand again.

"Where did you learn those?" I asked in shock.

"I'm a Slytherin, there's a hand-book." He told me nonchalantly. I just nodded, not sure whether he was lying or not. "Come on then, lie down." I did and on impulse spread my legs wide for him. He smiled, a real smile, it lasted for a second but it was there.

He lay between my spread legs and coated his fingers in the lube, "this will hurt a bit." He warned softly, before pushing his middle finger past the tight ring of muscle guarding my anal canal. I almost bit through my lip trying not to scream at the unpleasant feeling of being burned and stretched.

A bit, he says, a bit! I whimpered, "Sorry," he muttered before pulling his finger out and coating them all with more lube. I nod and he pushed his middle one back in, slower this time, up to the first knuckle, pause, the next knuckle, pause and then it's completely inside of me. He wiggles it around a bit, and I tense as his index finger probes at my opening.

"Ssh Harry, almost." He whispered, his face pressed to my abdomen, his tongue dipping in my navel when his lips weren't feathering kisses across my stomach. He had two fingers inside of me know, and he was scissoring them; I was contemplating turning straight. Fuck, but it hurt. And then I saw stars.

"Welcome to your prostrate Harry," he looked up and shot me another real smile, before his finger brushed the sensitive bundle of nerves inside of me again. I arched up slightly at the touch and he used the opportunity to the fullest, inserting another finger into me while I was swept away in pleasure rather than pain.

Three whole fingers and Malfoy was still brushing my prostrate, and hadn't touched my cock once. I was hard and leaking, half out of my mind with desire; maybe I'll stay gay then.

"Draco," I whined as he pulled his fingers out of my arse. "Git," I hissed as he laughed. He crawled up the length of my body until his face was over mine; he stared at my lips for a second before looking away and reaching for the vial of lube again. He coated his erection liberally the first time, and with one hand aiming it and the other hand spreading my arse cheeks he pushed his penis into me.

I tensed at the burn, he was wider than his fingers and longer, but when his cock head hit my prostrate I stopped caring about the pain and focused intently on the pleasure.

"Fuck, Draco!" I moaned as his hand encircled my own erection. He groaned and pulled almost all the way out of me and slammed back in, I raised my hips to meet his thrusts and cried out as he filled me again. Oh yea; I was defiantly staying gay.

Either that or I was fucking Draco Malfoy again in the near future. Maybe I could get a re-sort, end up in Slytherin and share a dorm with Draco. Blaise and Nott share and Crabbe and Goyle, so Draco is on his own and needs a roommate. I'd make a good 'room-mate'.

"Still with me, Harry?" Draco asked me with a laugh as he changed angles and hit _that_ spot inside of me again. I nodded while moaning, raising my hips again and again as I was filled and emptied.

The entire time we fucked, Draco's eyes didn't leave my face, my eyes and lips in particular. His tongue flicked out to lick his lips as his head dipped slightly towards my face, but catching himself in time, he dropped his head to my shoulder instead. He licked and kissed my neck as I arched beneath him, he bit and sucked my neck as I arched again and came, his name on my lips; loudly for all to hear it.

He came too, when I did, the clenching of my arse to much for his oversensitive cock to bear. "**Harry**!" He shouted, very un-Malfoy-like I must say.

We stayed like that for a moment before he softened too much to stay inside of me. Draco pulled out and gifted me with another of his rare smiles; what's that, four in an hour? I admit I feel rather proud of myself. His eyes wee locked on my lips again, as I licked mine in nervousness he groaned.

"Can I kiss you Harry?" He asked, still lying on top of me, both of us sticky but satisfied. No intention of moving soon.

"Why wouldn't you?" I asked perplexed.

He blushed and looked away before asking, "Because it means we care about each other, and I wasn't sure if you… you know."

"Like you?" He nodded hesitantly. "Do you like me Malfoy?" His face crumbles at my slip, "Draco, do you like me?" He nods again, slowly, fearfully. "Then kiss me."

He grins, and leans down. He pressed his lips to mine and I raise my head a little to push against his. His tongue flicks out to trace the seam of my lips, and I happily part them, allowing his tongue entrance to my mouth. I moan into his mouth as his tongue brushes against my own, exploring the warm, wet cavern that is my mouth. With a mental smirk I fought his tongue back into his own mouth and let mine do some exploring.

We pull back, panting hard. He looks at me hopefully, "can I kiss you again?" I just nod. When we pull back the second time, he waves his wand again and I feel a strange tingling in my arse and across my legs, and then I'm not sticky anymore. Cleaning Charm obviously.

"Thanks," I smile and get up when he moves off of me. We get dressed in silence, and as I slip my second shoe on he turns to me and cleared his throat.

"Hey Harry, you know, when we get to Hogwarts… would you…" he trails off, his face burning.

"Never say a word?" I ask angrily, really offended. Some way of showing he likes me!

"NO!" He blushes harder after his out burst, a deep pink settled across his pale cheeks. "Would you, maybe, if you want, bemyboyfriend?" I blink at him, huh? "Be my boyfriend." He repeats slower.

I walk over to him and smile, "what's this tell you?" I press my lips to his again, and pull back before he could react and deepen the lip-lock. I then pressed my lips to his neck, and like he had done to me earlier, I bit the pale column and sucked until the skin turned a nice shade of purple. "Mine." I muttered against his ear.

He positively beamed at me. And then he blushed again, "Sorry I hurt you earlier, it was, well it was my first time with a boy and I wasn't quite sure."

I shrug, "don't worry about it; it was my first time with _anyone_."

He paled, "sorry. You're first time is meant to be all tender and flowers and candy and stuff, not out in the woods while the Death Eaters are attacking Muggles." He looked at the ground ashamed.

Death Eaters, huh I'd have to look them up when we get to Hogwarts, must have something to do with Voldemort. I freeze, what Draco said finally penetrating my over-exhausted brain. "Well, well, I never knew you could be such a romantic at heart!" I laugh as he swats my arm.

"Not a word, you hear?" I nod softly, and give him a quick peck on the cheek. "We better get back, the Mud-Muggleborn and Weasley's will be looking for you. And my parents are probably getting worried about now."

"Why just now?" I ask curiously.

"Because unlike you, I am capable of taking care of myself." He bites out, but I know he's not really trying to hurt my feelings, "I mean, where is your wand? I haven't seen it since I showed up."

I reach into my trousers and feel around… "Uh?" Draco looks up at me, "I think I lost it?"

He shakes his head. "_Accio_ Harry Potter's wand." A thin cylinder of wood came flying through the air, and almost poked me in the eye. Luckily Draco flicked his wand, and mine fell to the ground with a dull thud.

I picked it up and blushed while mumbling my thanks. "Lets get out of here, it's too quiet." Draco said.

From the left we heard a slight rustling in the bushes, and I groaned. "You had to jinx it didn't you!" I shout and step to the right. There goes my stage left idea. "At least tell me you vanished that bubble thing."

Draco waved his wand, "there, happy?" I just glare. Another rustle… Fuck.

Not a good day at all. Not good!

**XXX**

**A/N:** No offence intended towards Homosexuals, Bisexuals, or in fact Heterosexuals. I myself am Heterosexual and would die to shag Draco Malfoy or Tom Felton (unfortunately Draco Malfoy**_ isn't_** real) and I have no chance with Tom! But no offence intended!

**A/N 2:** No offence intended towards Jewish people, or any other religion that believes in one god, I myself don't believe in any, so those people shouldn't be offended either. Oh and no offence to gay!virgins that hurt their partners (I like Virgin!Draco if you couldn't tell).


	4. Fan Girls

Last chapter… Hope it was worth wasting your time reading…

**Words : **1,572

**Chapter 4**

**Fan Girls**

Hesitantly I sacrifice myself for my boyfriend, inching forwards my wand outstretched pointing towards the moving bush. The bush moves again and I jump backwards almost falling on my arse. Draco comes up behind me and looks over my shoulder.

"Well, have a look." I shot him a glare, "what? You're the brave Gryffindor." He smirks at me. He cares though, about me I mean, his hands are clenched and his face has paled slightly, while his lips are drawn together in a line so thin they almost disappear.

I take a deep breath and stick my head in the bush, nothing. I pull back as the bush next to mine moves. I go towards that one, about an inch away from it, someone burst forth. Expecting black cloaks and a skull mask I raise my wand and almost shout a '_Stupefy_' before I notice the muggle clothing. From behind that creature another, Muggle dressed thing emerges.

Then I notice the long hair, the four limbs and… boobs. We were scared of two girls! Muggle girls! I lower my wand, big mistake as it turns out. The two girls smiled at us, one had dark brown hair and the other a lighter brown. Both were dressed casually, in jeans and t-shirts or a hoodie. No reason to fear them, right. The lighter brown haired on was slightly older and taller as well. The dark haired one was as tall as me, maybe a bit shorter; I wonder if her family starves her or if she's just short?

As I said, big mistake. As soon as my wand was lowered the girls flung themselves at us screeching something that sounded like "Sqee" or it could have been "Squeeze" I guess, but I think it more likely the first. These girls were obviously touched in the head. I fought to untangle myself from one of them while Draco was fighting the second.

As one, both girls switched places to now I was being attacked by Draco's attacker while he had mine. Together, giving up all sense of dignity and pride, Draco and I shouted as loudly as we could until we heard running footsteps.

From the right side of the woods Lucius Malfoy and Arthur Weasley appeared followed by Draco's mother, Amos and Cedric Diggory and Ron and Hermione.

"HELP!" We both shouted, fighting off the Muggle-weirdoes. The girls looked up and searched the gathered Magical folk. Their eyes met and with stunning speed they launched themselves at Draco's father.

Lord Malfoy ended up lying on the floor with both girls on top of him, muttering about something called the "Dark Mark" and an autograph.

"Desist touching me, Muggle scum!" He shouted, trying to push them off him.

"At least you like girls," I muttered at him, shuddering from the memory. "Wanna run before they remember us?" I ask Draco, glancing at his father. "We'll let the adults help your father."

Draco glared at me, and I shut up. But I still moved to hide behind Arthur Weasley. And when Arthur moved to pull the Darker brown haired one off Lucius, I moved behind Amos Diggory. When Amos moved to grab the lighter haired one, I went to move behind Mrs. Malfoy but my boyfriend was already hiding there. So I hid behind Cedric, who grinned at me and nodded towards the two Muggle girls.

As usual, Hermione had all the answers. "They are called Fan Girls; they covet a character or the character's actor in various fandoms. They obviously mistook you for some Muggle actor or a character from a Muggle fiction book." She nodded her head knowingly.

"Make them go away Mione," I begged, making puppy dog eyes at her. She sighed.

The lighter haired one spoke up, her arms bound behind her she was sat next to her friend, similarly tied. "You guys rock! Did it hurt?" She asked looking at Lucius' left arm, his right moved slightly as if to cover it before stopping but other wise he didn't react.

Odd that. I'll look up left arms too, when I do the Death Eater search.

The darker haired one added, "So when's Voldemort coming? I was wondering if he would mark me…except I was thinking of my left hip rather than my arm." Marking? Is that what Mr. Malfoy has? A mark?

The blond in question's hands clenched.

"Uh, I don't think we're who you think we are." Ron muttered.

"What the hell? Who was talking to you? I hate you; you're so anti-Harry/Draco!" The dark haired girl hissed. Ron's mouth dropped open as he stared at the girl first then his best mate, me.

"I knew I wasn't hearing things!" He glared at Draco, who peeked out from behind his mother at his name.

"Who are you?" Hermione asked.

"I'm Melinda, and that's Aisling, being anti-Ron." The lighter haired Muggle answered. "And you are who we think you are." She looked at the bush she jumped from. "My bag's in there, there's a book in it."

Amos went to get the bag, he held out a book entitled _Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban_ by J.K. Rowling. Amos read the blurb off and frowned. "What is this?" He shouted.

Aisling shrugged, "a book?"

Melinda grinned, "J.K. said Voldemort was coming back in the 4th and that the Death Eaters would wreck the Quiditch World Cup. When we heard the types of people showing up here we put two and two together. Mind if we come to Hogwarts and wait for Tom?"

Cedric laughed, "this is a joke right?" He didn't sound very sure.

Aisling looked over at him and sniffed. "Let me go!" She wailed. "I have to hug Cedric before it's too late!" She began to sob lightly, while Melinda looked over sympathetically.

"He's all yours," she leered towards Draco. And licked her lips. Draco shuddered.

"But- But- you're a **_Muggle_**!" He gasped.

"At least you like girls!" I muttered again. "Wait? Before what's too late?"

"Uh… J.K. said we could only come if we didn't give out any spoilers." Aisling bit her lips. Melinda looked around wildly. Suddenly a bright light filled the area followed by a feminine voice.

"In reality we are awaiting the 7th book… no spoilers for the 4th book are really spoilers… but if they know, I can't kill any one… mmm… no spoiling!"

"Who in the name of Merlin was that?" Arthur shouted looking around.

"God," both Muggles sighed dreamily. "Can't wait for the 7th book!"

Aisling grinned evilly, "Yea, Harry's going to die!" Draco paled and jumped out from behind his mother. He wrapped his arms protectively around his boyfriend's waist glaring at Ron when he protested.

Aisling glared, "hiss, anti-Ron! Hiss, hate you!" Melinda rolled her eyes, and leered at the two boys some more.

"And J.K. is going to-" Aisling started but was cut off with another flash of light and _the_ voice.

"No spoilers for the 7th book, you have broken the 3rd Commandment: Thou Shall Not Spoil!"

The voice sounded mad, but oh so godly (goddessly). In another flash of light, the girls began to fade, all the while shouting.

"Well done Ash!" Sarcastic.

"I didn't hug Cedric!" Regretful.

"I want more boy sex!" Together.

When the light was gone, so were the Muggles; only the book was left. "Well let's see what they got right," I picked the book up and flicked through it. "Hey, I attacked Snape in this as well." I grin.

Ron bounds over, "give us a look, mate." Draco reads over my shoulder, arms still around my waist.

"Black was _innocent_?" He asked incredulously.

"You aren't meant to know that! The voice said worriedly, "Obliviate!"

"Uh… what is this?" I flip the book over, but before I can read the title it vanished. "Ok, who stole my book?" I glare as everyone denies it.

"So… Malfoy?" Ron asked, slightly worried about saying anything bad about he blond; but not remembering why.

"Yea." I sigh.

Lucius Malfoy walks over, his right hand on his left arm, and there's something I was supposed to do about that… what was it? "Come Draco, we should be leaving." Draco reluctantly releases me, "Oh, and Mr. Potter. Hurt my son and I will kill you." He smiles disarmingly but I have no doubt he means it. Narcissa is giving me an identical look, so I assume the threat goes for both of them.

I nod dumbly as Draco glares at his father for the threat. "See you at school, Harry." He smiles and leaves after his parents, and Amos and Cedric hesitantly congratulate me as well.

I'm supposed to remember something about Cedric; I need to warn him something. I can't remember though so I just shout "Be careful Ced!" as he walks away. He looks back, smiles and says the same thing to me.

"So… I'm starving!" Ron muttered, rubbing his stomach. "Can we go eat?" He looks to his dad who sighs and nods. Hermione shoots me a worried look but I just grin and mouth I'm fine, and she goes after Ron.

"Harry…" Arthur starts.

"He's not his father, Sir." Arthur nods and waves his hand for me to go ahead of him. I look back and smile. Draco forgot to change the blanket back to my sock. With a smirk I leave it there.

**XXX**

**A/N:** No offence intended towards Homosexuals, Bisexuals, or in fact Heterosexuals. I myself am Heterosexual and would die to shag Draco Malfoy or Tom Felton (unfortunately Draco Malfoy **_isn't_** real) and I have no chance with Tom! But no offence intended!

**A/N 2:** No offence intended towards Fan Girls, I myself would love the chance to glomp Tom Felton or Jason Isaacs! But would be too embarrassed, so no offence to spineless cowards or those in between like myself, as well. No offence to Melinda… She was kidnapped by me for the purpose of this Crack!Fic… as was J.K.

**A/N 3 **No offence intended towards J.K. and the 7th book… Sorry to spoil! The 3rd Commandment still stands! Thou Shall Not Spoil… unless you know a **_really_** good one and don't tell anyone that doesn't want to know (this last statement does not include me… TELL ME!).

Review please…?


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